Another Day In Paradise

May 9, 2014: 6:50 am
As I roll out of the feathers, I pause to clear out the cobwebs in my mind.  Next,

I run a quick systems check on my Swedish chassis.  The user advisory has been laid out: one cannot be too careful when operating vintage 1937 equipment.   Warranties are no longer in effect.

               Everything seems to be working as it did yesterday.  As I stand, I feel no pain, and I am well aware of date, time, and location.  Thank you, Lord.  Put this day in the "win" column.  Before heading to the bathroom for morning ablutions, I walk to the starboard side of the bed to give the Bride a buss on the cheek.  She is battling a cold, and despite the fact that we share the same bed, and breathe the same air, she insists on no lip-to-lip contact for its duration.  Go figure.

7:01 am

Chica paws at her crate in anticipation of her release to answer nature's call.  She regularly ignores the canine code of conduct, ie:  thou shalt not do one's business on home turf.  She turns a blind eye to the acres of green lawns and pasture that surround our house on the hill.  Hilario, our "2nd son" and gardener, playfully chides us by saying that he is going to start tacking on a poop-scoop surcharge to the monthly bill. While fetching the morning newspaper (now only 4 days of hard copy-3 days digital), the boss observes that his "White Shadow" has done the deed again.  With a grimace, the pooper-scooper tool is fetched.  There will be no-surcharges here, by gum.
7:15 am
The morning ritual continues.  This involves yours truly getting "down on all fours" to get as close to Chica's level as possible for two minutes-worth of "schmoozing".  This means all manner of belly scratching, head-rubbing, and nonsense-talking.  Then, of course, it's on to the same breakfast of which, year after year, she never tires.  The more hard and fast the routine that dogs have in their lives, the better they seem to like it.  Before the food is set before her, she performs her one and only "patented" trick: a four-legged pirouette.
7:22 am
The news in the morning paper is rather on the innocuous side.  Putin says he's withdrawing troops on Russia's border with Ukraine.  Drone surveillance says otherwise.  A tea-party candidate for Oregon senator is trying to buy her way into the ballot box in November.  Eight-tenths of an inch of rain were recorded yesterday in our local area.  One uplifting piece of news comes from the sports page.  My beloved San Francisco Giants have taken the measure of their arch-enemy, the Los Angeles Dodgers (aka: "Doggers"), 3-1!
8:35 am

Time to head down the hill to meet with the delivery man from the shop where our church has had repairs and maintenance performed on its riding lawn-mower.  As I drive, I wonder and worry.  With  the exception of five Anglos, we are an all-Latino parish, and have been for years.  This writer is the last of the grey beards; the guy who tends to the work around the church when nobody else is available.  That means Monday through Friday.  When I am no longer able to carry the torch, who is going to be there to pick it up?  For today, everything worked out fine, but tomorrow?  God only knows.  The priest tells me, "Hal, you take too much on yourself!"  Right, Padre, but who else is there?  Ysidro?  (Inside joke:  At Holy Cross/Santa Cruz, there is nobody named "Ysidro")
9:05 am
"Rich", the deliveryman unloads the tractor, and since the skies have yet to rain, I make the decision to parade around the front lawn.  Before starting, I accidentally pour about 1/2 gallon of oil mix gasoline into the tank.  This is used for 2-cycle engines like weed-eaters and leaf-blowers; not tactors!  Panic-stricken, I call the shop, whereupon the foreman tells me that the tractor engine might belch some small, black clouds, but not to worry.  Today, one "oops-moment" will go undetected.
10:15 am
After having made about a dozen circuits of the lawn in the "front forty" of the church, the clouds opened  up.  As singer Kenny Rogers once sang, "You gotta know when to hold 'em; know when to fold 'em."   Skies are supposed to be clearing tomorrow afternoon. Hope springs eternal.  Maybe somebody not named "Ysidro" will show up during the day to finish the job.  The Y-guy cannot be counted on. 
11:20 am
This journal entry continues apace.  While trying to update and transfer materials from laptop to desktop computer, I am besieged by an irritating "RegCleanPro" popup which refuses to take "no" for an answer.  Purging it and all of its relatives from my hard drive doesn't seem to thwart this pesky beastie.  But the grace of persistence ultimately prevails. and one nemesis has been sent down the tube.
12:05 pm
There is no need of a time piece with Chica in the house.  Her internal clock tells her unerringly when the noon hour has arrived.  That is chow time.  It is one of several instances during the course of a day when she absolutely refuses to be ignored.  In situations where push comes to shove, she will push her paw against my ankle...repeatedly...until I cave into her persistence.  Chica is always fed before the boss prepares his sandwich of the day, which is accompanied by a Gatorade "chaser".   
12:20 pm                                                                                                                                          As Annie and I finish our noon-time repast, it is twenty minutes into our favorite news program on television.  Amazingly, there have been no private, body-function commercials, and therefore, no need to hit the mute button on the remote.  Will wonders never cease?!
12:57 pm                                                                                                                                     Back to the basement, and what passes for my office; or, what I regularly refer to as "The Dungeon". It is time to research and provide some questions for my weekly trivia contest on amateur radio.  Ostensibly, the 7:30 to 8:00 pm hour on a designated frequency is given over to emergency preparedness, and relaying of various pieces of relevant information, called "traffic".  There are usually between twenty and thirty operators who "check-in" to this network of a Friday.  Things invariably begin to lag, mid-way through the half-hour.  That is when I launch into my trivia questions to fill in the time, and restore a comfort level.  Hams hate "dead air" when nothing seems to be happening,  Some operators, during a stretch such as this,  Most seem to enjoy the departure from the regular business of the net.  Looking outside,  the sun has been playing hide and seek with the rain clouds all-morning long.  Now it's choosing to show itself once again.
5.09 pm                                                                                                                               Received a phone call from Fr. Roberto, our priest, who has his feet in two camps.  One of these is in Boring, the other in L.A.  Our guy is a political animal, very steeped in moves and counter-moves when it comes to matters in our diocese.  Once monthly, he flies to the sunny southland to touch base with his daughter and former parishoners.  But he always manages to make it back to Boring for mass on Sunday.  The majority of our chat time was spent discussing an upcoming meeting of five churches in the eastern reaches of our convocation; all of which have Latino constituencies.  He suspects that this will become a discussion of attrition.  Bottom line: one flock will be told that, because of financial necessity,  they have to "fold their tent", and merge with another parish.  In that case, both he and I won't hesitate to tell the bishop that "ain't necessarily so". 
7:15 pm
Trouble in Dungeon-Paradise.  In queuing up the transceiver and computer for the Friday night amateur radio net, I discovered to my dismay, that all my roster files for operators checking-in had been corrupted, and none could be coaxed into restoring themselves.  This resulted in the same process I started with, over fifteen years ago, to wit: doing all data in Neanderthal-ish long-hand. (They don't even teach penmanship in grade schools, these days!)  Then, as if that weren't enough adversity, almost all the early check-ins told me that there was a lot of "white noise" with my transmissions, making for a "rough copy". 

           What a blow to the old ego!  The clarion call of Clackamas County........ with a poor signal?!  Unheard of.....until this evening.  Switching from one antenna to the other avails nothing significant.  One ham friend tells me, on air, that it's not my problem, but one created by the atmosphere.  Thank you, sir.  Then, another ham chimes in that the atmospheric conditions have nothing to do with the case.  (The hissing sound I next heard was air escaping from my balloon.)  I chose to abide with my friend's diagnosis.
             The rest of the session went fairly well. There were twenty-six operators who checked in, and five of the fifteen questions were answered correctly. (There are no prizes, but think of the prestige!)    Looking ahead to next Friday, very few of life's mechanical and electrical problems are self-correcting.  It can be hoped that this data base crisis will be one.
9:00 pm
TV time in this house takes place in the family room; family consisting of the Bride, Chica, and yours truly.  Things proceed normally for the first hour.  Our doggie has chilled between my knees on the recliner, and  the Bride and I are engrossed in Grimm.  This series marks the one and only time when Annie regularly watches a program where a human morphs into something hideous.  She insisted on keeping a light on in the hall after watching Lon Chaney Jr. in "The Wolf Man" on a rented tv in the fall of '58; right after our wedding.  I am sure she would tell you that now, it's all due to "character development". 
10:00 pm
"Blue Bloods", the program which I point to all week long, is showing the opening sequence.   It is the on-going story of four generations of family; two of whom are actively involved in law-enforcement.  There is no on-screen violence; pretty much "after the fact" revelations of capital crimes. 
       "Danny", a hot-headed detective with a penchant for putting himself in tight scrapes" is the character that I gravitate toward. Grandpa Reagan is a retired police chief.  He customarily presides at the head of table for the weekly clan meal, which is always preceded by a blessing.  This one scene bonds family, and is, to this writer,  the most endearing and compelling of every Friday night's story. Will Chica give me a free pass, at least until the first commercials, before asserting herself?  Well, of course not. 
                     Naturally, it's  more than just the "I've got to go to the bathroom, Daddy."  Kids aren't the only ones to ply this ploy.  The exotic scents which didn't rate a second sniff during daylight hours now merit serious scrutiny.  Back in the den, N.Y.P.D. chief Frank (Tom Selleck) Reagan is undoubtedly finding son Danny in another vat of procedural hot water, while Chica is still scanning the territory;  no doubt thinking of ways to prolong her escapade.  This lack of focus (teacher word) on the task at hand prompts two tugs on the leash.  Awe, come on, doggie!  Two more tugs and she finally gets serious about the original objective....my (teacher) objective. But she still has one trump card left to play; the obligatory ball-toss from the family room to the hallway. Six or seven lobs later, Chica contentedly curls up on her pad; satisfied that she has played the boss like a violin, yet again.
                    Upon returning to the recliner, The Bride tolerantly and dutifully gives me a summation of what I've missed.  Fortunately, it was nothing flow-changing.  The familial gathering  sequence follows, one commercial-break later.  Danny has extricated himself from another mess,  Frank manages to stay above the political fray, and all is almost well with the world. However,  in tv series as in real life, there are no absolutes until the final episode.  It is the next item on the agenda, and that unresolved plot twist that propel us onward and upward.  I think.
11:05 pm
                 My "finny friends, piscine pals" are about to get their daily ration of frozen blood worms and daphnia.  Five minutes ago, all the inhabitants of my 29 gallon water world were docile and demure....if indeed those are apt descriptors of tropical fish emotion.  It could be that they are devious and were game-playing their provider.  But now that he is up-close-and-personal, there are a dozen pairs of pectoral fins, pressing on glass.  Gee guys,  you're
always so glad to see me!  What an ego-trip!
11:10 pm
Chica trundles down the hall with me to the bedroom for the last of our daily rituals.  While hoisting her up on the "feathers", I murmur sweet nothings in her ear, like how much of a winner she is in the eyes of her boss.  Then, after another round of bathroom ablutions,  it's another spate of scratches and pats for the doggie, during which the Bride repairs and prepares for sack-time.  This is Chica's clue to vacate the premisis,  which she does willingly.  During our walk down the hall to her crate, she is advised of what the morning will bring, and what excitement awaits her.  After ten years of one-way conversation, she listens, and doubtlessly intuits all the subtleties of meaning.
11:28
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon on the tube in our boudoir.  With tv parked on her night stand, I snuggle and buss The Bride on the cheek, while we watch Jimmy write his every-Friday "Thank You notes" to people both real and imaginary.  One particular note is written to people who wear "W.W.J.D." bracelets. Translation: "What Would Jesus Do?" He writes, "Thank you for wearing those bracelets while doing things that Jesus would  never do". This was a definite jab at Christian hypocrisy.  It fetches at least one and a half laughs out of his Boring audience.  
           The lights then go out, and another morning, afternoon, and evening are entered in the books. This writer's last waking words: "Love you, Babes."  The last waking thought:  Providence had smiled on this writer again; just as it had countless times before.  Just another day in paradise.
         
                                 
               
               
              

     

Voter Fraud and the Straw Man

           

According to a Department of Justice analysis, out of 197,000,000 votes cast in federal elections between 2002 and 2005. only 40 voters have been indicted for fraud.  With a calculator and some basic number-crunching the fraud rate turns out to be a sub-microscopic .00002%.
          Yet despite this rather trifling tally, one political party has chosen to make voter fraud an issue, big enough to engage entire states and, beyond that, regions of states. To one school of thought, it is an insidious phenomenon, capable of enveloping huge portions of the electorate, and corrupting a primary privilege of citizenship.  Enter the Straw Man.
             The Straw Man,in reality is an argument; an argument that requires the reader or listener to suspend recollection and belief of the original premise.  It has been used for ages in debate; particularly with regards to emotionally-charged issues.  The tactic makes use of exaggeration, misrepresentation. and, if all else fails,  total fabrication.  An example might be, candidate Dick believes that more county tax revenue should be allocated to restoration of highways and roads.  Candidate Jane responds that she is sorry to hear that Dick is opposed to funding for the sheriff's patrols.  In the case of voter fraud, one particular party has become rather, shall we say "cozy" with the Straw Man.
             For our purposes,  we'll refrain from naming political parties in this post.  Instead, we will refer to them by their color of preference.  The party which espouses the existence of this "grainy guy" we'll call the "Party of Red".  The party which considers him a myth we'll designate as the "Party of Blue".  As to the those who sniff the prevailing winds of sentiment during election years, and fluctuate between Red and Blue will be referred to as "Purple People".
                                                            ~Back to the chase~
             The Straw Man is "an undocumented" who takes advantage of alleged lax voter regulations.  To allow such an abuse to continue, so the thinking goes, is to jeopardize the integrity of the entire electoral process.  An organization which calls itself "True the Vote" cites a statistic that there are "1.8 million dead voters still eligible on the rolls across the country."  And if there are that many, as the reasoning seems to lead, there are 1.8 million potential abuses.  This publication states further that "2.75 million voters are registered in more than one state". 
          In both of these arguments, post hoc, ergo propter hoc, comes into play.  Translated: after this, because of this.  In other words, if this  is caused then this can be the only possible effect.  It is a fallacy introduced to this writer in Logic 101, many moons ago.  These statistics are used to lead the reader to conclude that there are four and a half million votes out there, ready to be grabbed, like so much low-hanging fruit.
          The Straw Man, in this voter fraud scenario is a person without valid documentation who exercises a right of citizenship which is not legitimately his.  He lacks a birth certificate ($10-$45), or a passport ($85), or certified naturalization papers ($19.95).  He might also lack other resources (transportation, language skills, advice) to acquire any of these documents.  As this scenario plays out, the only asset he may have working for him is the cunning to leverage the system and score a vote to which he is not entitled.
         Another tenet of Logic 101 that has stood the test of time is that it's impossible to prove, beyond a shadow of doubt, that something does not exist.  That is a rock which theologically has stood the test of time.So, it is impossible to argue the non-existence of straw men, but in the real world those most affected by more stringent voting regulations are not those who vote on behalf of dead people, or those who fly from state to state to tilt election outcomes. Rather, they are those who number amongst the poor, the elderly, the minorities, the students. Those without a powerful advocate to speak on their behalf.
           The reality is that twelve percent of voting age people have no form of valid voter identification.  The reality is that voter id laws are seen by some as a modern form of poll tax, as many of the country's poorest will not be able to vote due to a lack of proper state-issued identification.  The reality is that in states governed by "Purple People", the "Party of Red"has sanctioned voter id laws to prevent the "Party of Blue" from gaining control of state legislatures.
             The reality for your scribe is that the last six words of our nation's pledge to the flag sound rather hollow, at the moment.

           
          
            

Cosmic Questions, One More Time

Is Texas part of the "old south" (democrat, secessionist),new south (republican), or part of the Tea Party (secessionist, again)?
            Chuck R.- Columbia, MD

What good are fleas?
             Tyler C.-  Vancouver, WA

Is there such a thing as absolute space?
                               Anna K. - Houston,TX

Jesus has come.  Why is everything still so incomplete?
                      Elizabeth R-H. - Alexandria VA

Is it likely that humankind will ever be free of the masks it wears?
                         David C. - Sao Paolo, Brazil

What is love?
                          Paula R. - Columbia, MD

Why are some people so resilient while others are so

devastated by similar events?
                           Nicole C. - Portland, OR
  Will there ever be another ice age?
                           Joetta D. - Seattle, WA

Why on earth do we let anyone buy a gun?
                           Diana F. - Eugene, OR

What is normal?
                          Ellen K. - Houston, TX

How come we (collectively, not individually) are still racist?
                           Steven M. - Portland, OR

As a train passes cows in the field, why are the cows always facing the train?
                          Charles H. - Portland, OR

What prevents management from following the suggestions made by employees?
                          Betsy H. - Richmond, VA

Why is it that whenever you have to make a connecting flight, with an impossibly short layover, the connecting flight is always at the other end of the airport?
                  Mike L. - Portland, OR

(ed. note - This ends the trifecta of those questions posed by readers for which they have never received a satisfactory answer; aka: cosmic questions.  Next year's reader input will address the question: If you were in congress, and could write one piece of legislation which would be passed by both houses, what would it be?)

A Brush with John Law

It all started in a very typical manner.  I was late.  Not late by much, but late enough to set my obsessive-compulsive engines into hyper-mode.  Quite frankly, this writer/retired teacher absolutely abhors tardiness.  As often as the Bride has tried to "cure" me of this affliction, she has never succeeded.
      The hour we'd allotted to our financial advisor had extended into an hour and fifteen minutes.  (The reader might well ask: "What,  when you're well past the mid-point between your eighth and ninth decade, is the need for more financial advice?  That is grist for another mill. I digress)
                I felt this urgent need to  get back home,  have a quick bite, and prepare for a financial session of a different kind with our priest, to wit: the annual parish report to the diocese.   This was a command performance, if ever there was one. 
                When in haste, I have this tendancy to take a short cut with the seat belt: instead of slinging it over my shoulder, I do the under-arm wrap-around.  It must save at least five nano-seconds of precious time.  As we pulled out and onto the main boulevard, and arrived at the first stop signal, I glanced to my left, and there was a motorcycle policeman; gazing over at me and my prize boy-toy, the Mini Cooper. 
                I smiled, and waved.  I always smile and wave to cops.  It's just the simplest of gestures to convey that their work is appreciated.  The Bride thinks this is a mistake.  Now, she is even more convinced.  "Officer Friendly" sort of half-smiled back.  Then, as the signal changed to green, he pulled in behind me.  The next instant, my rearview mirror was shimmering in hues of red and blue.
              I pulled over, stopped, and  (sort of....) reflexively pulled the seat-belt strap out, up, and over my shoulder.  As I rolled down the window, the man in black remarked, "I looked over at you twice, and didn't see your seat belt." 
             I unabashedly replied, "That's because I had it clicked, but wrapped under my arm."

             "That is your statement?" he asked.
              "I am a retired teacher," said I, "and teachers don't lie."   
              He expressed some reservation about the second half of my claim, but did not elaborate.  That kept us both on a safe, if tentative, path of discourse.
              A few minutes later, he emerged from the back side of his bike with two, long, personalized printouts.  What a wonder of modern technology, I thought.  A computer and printer!  Behind the seat,  on this guy's bike!  Wow!
              As he handed me the detailed error of my ways,  Officer Friendly spoke candidly:  "I'm glad you told me your honest version of what happened.  That has made my job much easier.  This citation is for driving with an improper use of your seatbelt."  I was mute, but so very relieved to have eased the demands of his work.  Yes, the sarcasm finally surfaced, deep within. 
             He sort-of consoled me, allowing that I could attend a driver-safety class at a hospital an hour's drive from home, and that after a two-hour session, I would receive a certificate, which would wipe the citation off my driving record.  Cost of "tuition" for the class is ninety dollars cheaper than the fine for the infraction.  Assurance was given that my classmates wouldn't be an aggregation of derelicts.  This is an offer that can't be refused. 
            I asked, "Will this certificate be suitable for framing?"  "O.F." was somewhat taken aback by this line of inquiry; not discerning the wink tacit in the question.  He thought a few extra moments and then responded with straight face that perhaps it would.  He probably surmised that teachers are really heavily engaged in gathering certificates of completion.  Truth is, we are.

As we parted company, our connection to the thin, blue line exhorted me to "Drive Safe".  I was tempted to tell him that the correct word to use in that context is "safely", but my inner GPS directed me to an alternate route.  I simply nodded, and drove off; seatbelt in its proper place.

A Toast to Tom

"Some you meet you soon forget.

Some you meet you can't forget,

Some you meet you would forget,

and you are one of those I've met,

among the ones I'll ne'er forget."

~Anonymous~

 

This is the wood-burned inscription on the cover of a guest book in my parents' home.    It fits Tom.

 

When a guy marries, he marries not only the woman of his desires, but also absorbs in-laws and their friends into a burgeoning circle which becomes, as Zorba The Greek's Anthony Quinn once put it,  "The Whole Catastrophe!"  If he marries well, the new relationships are not so terribly catastrophic, after all.  Such was the case in 1958 for this writer.  It was then that he first met Tom.

                  As a middle school-age kid, he had an infectious, gap-toothed grin, and even in those tender years, was one who never knew the meaning of the word "quit".  There wasn't anything he confronted that he couldn't address, then resolve.  He learned much about coping with the day-to-day at his parents' feet; adopting what worked; discarding what didn't.   While intellectually quite curious, he never distinguished himself academically during his school years.

                 Once out in the work-a-day world, Tom tried his hand at various pursuits; mostly in the field of semi-skilled labor involving carpentry.....and coaching soccer.  It was through this passion for the sport the rest of the world calls "football" that our lives became more closely linked.  (As an aside, he had this incredible ability to trap the ball between the heel of one foot and the toes of the other and flick it behind his back and over his shoulder!)  During several Seattle to Boring trips, Tom taught this coach and his 6th grade players some drill techniques and strategies that ultimately produced some incredibly positive results.       

                It was the week prior to Spring Break in 1978 when I received this phone call from my soccer guru; asking what I had planned for my week's vacation, and asking if I would be open to taking a cruise with him on the family sailboat, the "Adeline G. to Victoria, BC."    Would I?  Does the sun rise in the east?  Is the pope Catholic?

    

               I rode the Amtrak train up to Seattle, and we motored out in his MG, top down, to his moorage on Puget Sound.  There She was.  All twenty-nine feet of her..... the vessel that was going to transport me on one of the greatest adventures of my lifetime.  While structurally slight, as sea-worthy boats go, she was fully equipped; galley, cots, privy.  In other words, all the essentials.

           Next morning, following a night of adrenalin-reduced sleeping, we set sail for Port Ludlow on the west side of the sound.  During this "shakedown" part of the cruise, I just tried to keep out of the Skipper's way, and to listen intently to instruction.  The most unforgettable of his admonitions was, "Hal, under no circumstances do you EVER luff!" 

                    Luffing happens when you allow the wind to get on the wrong side of your mainsail.  Such a position can lead to almost immediate disaster, including capsizing the boat.  One cannot afford to daydream while manning the tiller.  I listened, heeded, as a first mate should,  and never once luffed. 

                  Our first port of call was Port Ludlow; not a tourist's paradise, but for a seafarer, it had all the necessaries.  Tom and I dined Mexican at La Cantina, then wandered around town; ending up at a video game "parlor", where my mentor indulged in a game or two of "Asteroids", which was the big sensation of its genre at the time.  He acquitted himself fairly well.  Being a newbie to the game, I was a complete klutz.

                   The following day, we set sail in the early morning for the next port, Townsend by name.  While out in open water, Tom turned the tiller over to me for the first time.  The rush of excitement was, and is, hard to describe, but nothing compared to what lay ahead for this novice seaman.

                 Port Townsend remains something particularly special to me; not just because I had brought the good ship Adeline G safely into port, but because of all that followed.  Great dinner.  Great promenade through town, including some window-shopping at several antique shops.  These stops were prompted by the fact that the Bride and I were still very much into a "mode of acquisition", and the fact that we both love old things.  We capped off the evening, appropriately enough, by watching "An Officer and a Gentleman" with Richard Gere at the local bijou. 

While Tom had probably never assumed the responsibilities of a captain before the Adeline G, he had grown, day-by-day, in my appreciation and admiration.  He was rather matter-of-fact in his approach, as in essentially everything else I had known about him.  Never quick to criticize, but quick to point things out.  He could have become more than a great soccer coach.  He could have been a great teacher.  I forget.  In one capacity or another, we are all teachers.

                 The final port before crossing the Straits of Juan de Fuca was Port Angeles.  This is a fairly busy town, since many are not locals, but travelers wishing to catch the ferry across the straits to Vancouver Island.  As a tourist, it has more to offer than Port Ludlow, to be sure, but not as much as the more romantic Port Townsend.

              After our customary morning ablutions and sustenance, we were off to Victoria.  The winds of the Straits of Juan de Fuca are seductive.  They can play like pussy cats and be a calm, pleasant diversion, or they can become lionesque.  As we pulled out of port, with Tom at the tiller, they were the former.  Then, when we were midway across the straits, Tom turned to me and said, "You take over.  I'm going down below to rest awhile."  OK, I thought.  I'm ready for that.  After he went below decks, and had his badly needed snooze is when the fun began, amidships.

               The winds hit the Adeline G as they had never hit before.  Here we were, halfway between Port Angles and Victoria, and nothing but long waves, ocean spray, and frigate birds in sight.  Based on my recollections of the Beaufort Wind Scale, we had to be sailing at a healthy 25-knot clip. As I held onto the tiller with knuckles turning white, the "AG" canted hard to port; the mast    

leaning toward the water at a very acute angle.  The emotional merging of abject fear and total exhilaration is still fresh in my memory.  This was life on the cutting edge.                                  

After what seemed like an hour at the helm, the captain arose from his slumber, climbed topside, stretched, and surveyed the situation.  The seas and sky had returned to their best behavior, leaving him to believe, I'm sure. that nothing unusual had happened while he was "sawing logs".
His helmsman tried to keep the cool façade, but failed miserably. He had to receive the total briefing.

With our ultimate destination in sight, "His Nibs" took the tiller, and safely navigated us into port; having to resort to inboard motor power for the last outbound leg of our cruise.  We docked, right at the foot of the Empress Hotel in downtown Victoria.  That venue was totally unfamiliar to me before we arrived, and it totally blew my sox off.  This was like a breath of jolly, old England....High Tea.....promenades........formal gardens.....in North America, for heavensakes!!!   
                   As we climbed the sea-wall stairs, and headed toward the main street of the city, we spotted a local minstrel, perhaps another "old salt", who had discovered his true calling..  Not having any idea of where to alight for our evening repast, we started trekking toward a likely looking avenue, not too distant from the dowager Empress.  We happened upon a  little café bearing the quaint name, "Mac's Tea Room".  The head waiter had the most elabo- rate comb-over I'd ever seen, with mustache match.  It was quite a popular spot, but we swabbies were able to score a table,  soon after ordering an amber-colored beverage, other than tea.
       While dining at Mac's I became smitten with a dish called "Shepherd's Pie".  To this day, whenever we dine at a restaurant with pub fare, that is the most sought-after entry.  The fond memories it evokes make it all the more savory.
We then sauntered back to the "Dowager's" basement , and another, different kind of tavern; with British theme and décor, but also a welcoming smile for the "here's mud in your eye" crowd.
          The next day we decided to take in the provincial museum; a truly one-of-a-kind affair with a myriad of exhibits, static displays, and a particular emphasis given to northwest coastal native Americans.  It was while enjoying one particular exhibit that I ran into a colleague from the school where I was teaching.  She saw me, and without smiling averred, "Hal, I've travelled hundreds of miles to enjoy my time away from school.  The last person I need to see is another teacher".  Gee, Mavis.  Thanks for sharing that.
         The hours that followed went by all too fast, and were over before the sun set on the last day.  Seven days of travel and five of them spent on the high seas.  Blimey!  We were back in Seattle, and I was back on a train headed home  of a Sunday evening.  Tom, my captain, my guru, my travelling bud had given me the gift of a lifetime; the kind that when it's done right, doesn't have to be repeated.  He made sure it was done right.
            It was only a little over a week ago that I learned that my fellow cabin-mate had died in his sleep, long before we think of life as having served its full term.  To be sure there was sadness over losing such a good and trusted friend.  But I choose not to think now of what once was, and never can be again.  Instead, I rejoice that Tom played a big part in my life, and profoundly enriched it.  HLR



         

 







 





The Costco Crisis

For those not familiar with the mega-market known as Costco, it is a place where the consumer can buy anything and everything from tires to televisions to tooth paste.  It suits to a "T" almost every earthly need, especially for institutions like convalescent homes, food distribution agencies, and the like.
This writer refers to said shopping spa as the "Shrine of Saint Shrinkwrap".  If you would like to buy some "tp" for the "wc", this place has it, but only in packages of forty-eight; swathed in cellophane.   While lingering on the subject of "earthly needs", there is evidence that Costco has even gone into the business of selling burial caskets.  Dare we say, that's a grave undertaking!  
           In the View's efforts to create a vision of size for our readership abroad, the closest comparison we can conjure is the Swedish merchant, Ikea.  However, that comparison falls short in terms of scope, and the absence of meatballs and lingonberries in the cafeteria line.
           But  institutions are far from the only clientele the "Big C" caters to.  They do a thriving, and we do mean THRIVING business with the personal consumer.  It has even gone to the extent of selling things one doesn't, or in our case, shouldn't buy.  Therein lies the crisis...at least for us. 
                                            Let the record show that the editorial staff has "no axe to grind" with this wholesaler/retailer....eleven months out of the year.  It's a variation of peaceful co-existence, to wit: I live in peace with the firm,  as long as the Bride doesn't require my presence when she makes her pilgrimages  there.  When she does, the relationship degrades to "tentative" status.  Then it becomes a matter of survival in the aisles and checkout lines as hordes and hordes of people converge on the same aisles and lines, and at the same times.   It's then that we (meaning "I") lapse into teeth-gritting mode.  The smile through clenched teeth fades only after we exit the parking lot.
                                        It is that twelfth month, during the season of Advent that all

manner of spiritual and visceral restraint is required.  To her credit, the Bride habitually takes with her a list of needs, most all of which can be deemed "practical" in nature.  However, even during the eleven "off-months", she is occasionally inclined toward the impulsive purchase.  (There are vendors, plying their "freebie samples" generously scattered, throughout.)  Again, from January through November, she fetches nary a pout from the patriarch. But December is a "whole 'nother ballgame.  It is then when this Big House Baron becomes our (read that "my") avowed enemy.
                                     Your scribe takes little pride in his domestic  accomplishments.  He performs the obligatory spousal duties, which go unnoticed, as they should...unless of course, they are forgotten.   His guitar-playing, charitably speaking, would be considered "serviceable" by a modest number of friends.  But when it comes to Christmas gift selection for "You-Know-Who", that is when he strives to be a total, uncontested, two-thumbs-up winner.  Year after year, pride is gained from knowing what the Lady wants.  But, it is written: "Pride goeth before a fall".  I believe that quote comes from the 1st book of Hesitations.

                                     My Damsel has needed a desk lamp, but not just any desk lamp would do, owing to the space in which it was to be used.  It is an old-fashioned "secretary" desk, which her mother used for many years.  Shelf area on it is severely limited.  So also were a whole host of options which mandated: no clamps, no holes drilled, and nothing higher than her desktop.  The challenge was assumed by this writer as his Christmas crusade.  He was going to find just the right lamp for his Lady's needs or die the valiant, knightly death in trying.  Ultimately, he succeeded!!  But wait, there's more..........

 

 

             A short, scant two days following the online order, the abovementioned Bride did her monthly C- thing, and feeling in dire need.....a dire need that could only be addressed in one location....that location being the secretary where she attends to practically everything having to do with her computer.  She did the very agonizing thing I so desperately wanted to avoid!!  My reputation as a black-belt gift buyer went out the window as she showed me a box....a box containing a wretched desk lamp.  I could feel the wind, heading south of my sails. 
              Once she had been given the confessional clue, naturally that lamp was never to see the light of day on the hill.  So when presents were unwrapped on Christmas morn, there it was, in all its partially assembled splendor; Allen wrench, provided.  And of course, there wasn't a gasp of surprise or an "oh-my-gawsh".  There was simply a hug and a kiss for a need that was answered. 
           The light is "old-timey" enough to match the furniture's period.  It really does illuminate quite handsomely.  Wound-licking has ceased, and this renaissance geezer will rise up off the mat to resume the search for the next, soon-to-be, most perfect gift. 
                                                       A blessed Christmas and Yuletide season to all our loyal readers.
            
 

 

 

From the Dark Side

           

Let the record show that we are no great fan of that stretch of time between All Saints Day and the Vernal Equinox; roughly, from November 1st to March 30th.  The following parable is intended to illustrate this conviction:

          A team of psychologists conducted an experiment to determine what makes an eight year-old feel happy.  They placed the "control" subject in a room filled with all manner of toys; electronic gadgets, warm and fuzzy stuffed animals, and video games.  Meanwhile, the same team placed the "test" subject in a room; loaded knee high in horse manure.  An hour later, the scientists returned to observe the results of their experiment.

                       The subject in the room, filled with all conceivable manner of goodies, was totally bored and disengaged.  In fact, he pleaded to be released and returned to the waiting arms of his parents.  However, "Subject B", was dancing and cavorting about his test room in joyous celebration.
                    When the scientists inquired of the second boy what had made him so happy, he responded, "With all this horse poop, there has to be a pony in here,  somewhere!!" 
                     Put in the perspective of what this season of the year brings to our corner of the cosmos in terms of time and weather, we unhesitatingly identify with Subject B.
                     This is when northwesterners simulateously hunker down while searching...not necessarily frantically, but fervently, for something to raise our collective spirit.  First comes the triple whammy:  The day in which most of the country reverts to standard time, and surrenders an hour of light in an already diminishing day.  The second "hit"comes with grudging recognition that sunsets will now happen before dinner-time.  The third tale is told by the thermometer.  This is the time when the average daily temperature starts its annual migration "southward".          
            If the fruit and vegetable garden happens to be a

warm-weather pursuit, it's time to put away the trowels and hoes, and wrap pipes .The same process (call it "drudgery")  applies to potted flowering plants that please the eye, and attract our fine-feathered friends.  Think of this:  when was the last time you saw a bird smile at this time of year??  This is the season of living tough;  to sing a song of rain, snow, sleet, hail and "shiver me timbers".
                    On page 150 of the 1982 Anglican hymnal you will find a composition, penned by George Hunt Smyttan (1822-1870).  It's title: "Forty Days and Forty Nights".  The second stanza begins: "Should we not thy sorrow share, and from worldly joys abstain......."  This hymn, which is sung to the cadence of a funereal procession,  would be the perfect match for the outlook us light-deprived, house-hermits have, were it not for: A) the time at issue being of far greater duration, and B) it's place as a Lenten hymn; not typically sung during Advent, much less Pentecost.  However, it has been known to be hummed, when the weather outside is frightful, windows demand cleaning, or this hummer needs to feel penitential.
                     The staff of The View concedes that there are conditions and situations worse than daily life from mid-autumn to winter's end.  However, they make for a very short list, much quicker to dispatch.  A molar or wisdom tooth extraction; a flat tire, coupled with an empty gas tank; being cornered into conversation with someone you would just as soon avoid come to mind.

                     Now, if you'll please excuse this writer, he needs to prepare for sub-freezing temperatures which are just around the corner.  That means pipe-wrapping, generator prepping, anti-freeze equipping, and all manner of pluperfect pains in the patootie.  A pox on the house of the first person who says, "It's a winter wonderland!"

  

Meanwhile, the search  for that elusive pony continues.........